I can’t really say I’m depressed or suffering from some sort of illness. Sometimes, I can get too sad that I don’t really know how to express myself. I think I’m emotionally damaged, well, based on how other people define it.
I’m not writing this just because I want to get other people’s sympathy about how I feel, it’s just that writing has been my best outlet when things get a little out of hand.
“Being emotionally damaged is NOT a bad thing. It just means you’ve been through a little more than other people in your life and can still come out strong.”
That’s the first article that popped up when I searched for the definition. I think this “phrase” suits me better than the other ones. Other says that people who are ED have insecurities or self-esteem issues, I don’t have that much I think.
In my case, I can’t really answer to “how do you feel?” or “what do you feel?” type of questions. Seldom, I forge my emotions, react like I’m excited or surprised and all by relying on their facial expressions.
I have issues in expressing what I feel because most of the time I just feel flat — like ASYSTOLE in ECG.
There’s a lot of things that in my head but can’t really tell people what I have in mind. I can’t share with some friends cause I’m scared they might misunderstood.
I can get a bit anxious about things, but I can’t explain why, but I can tell you that I’m having thoughts or worries about some stuff.
I’ve had tough times like everybody else. I started thinking deeply about how my life will end when I was in grade school, one or two I think. I looked after our family, especially my sisters. I’ve always had the thought that I need to be strong for them, show that I can do anything and never showed them my frustrations so I can convince them to be positive despite the commotion that’s been happening that time.
It was a success though, all my sisters are all tough gals, they can conquer anything, when worst comes to worst, I’m sure they can stand up to whatever comes their way.
I’ve been manipulating my emotions since the second grade since I’m more frustrated than depressed. Then as I grew old, I started to see how lost I got with my emotions. I want to be genuinely happy like others, I want to be lonely like them, feel down when someone’s left me, be angry when someone does me wrong.
But it’s not a bad thing. I can still function well, work with all my might, decide on crucial situations, still lucid and intact. I used to have an annoying poker face before, but I’m doing my best to improve on that.
Can’t really say that it’s a bad thing, I get sad of course, but it just passes by not leaving me anything to hold on to, it just nice to feel those genuinely without faking it sometimes. One amazing fact about being one is I don’t care whatever others think or say about me. Though, me not caring about what they feel makes me say a lot of things that are pretty straightforward and offends even the people close to me.
That’s how I have come to realize, there are a lot of stunning colours in this universe, but not everyone can see it and explain how gorgeous they can be.
At least, there’s someone who can understand me.
Lord, you have seen what is in my heart. You know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know what I’m thinking even though you are far away. You know when I go out to work and when I come back home. You know exactly how I live. Lord, even before I speak a word, you know all about it. You are all around me, behind me and in front of me. You hold me safe in your hand. I’m amazed at how well you know me. It’s more than I can understand.
-PSALM 139:1-6
Improbable Roads 