The First Step

Whenever I think of changing the workplace, I feel disappointed with myself for some unknown reason.

When I was young, my mother always told me that those who face their adversities and persevere are heroes who didn’t need recognition from other people to be successful. That’s why whenever something comes my way that I know that’s quite difficult, I motivate myself to push harder, overcome my limits and continue to do it till the end.

We all know that sometimes, when life requires you to change your course, God does something about it. Then the next thing you know, you’re moving on to your next journey. And I believed in this, and this is how I’m living my life since I started working.

Then for the last few months, I didn’t feel great and lost the motivation to go to work. I don’t know if I was being lazy, but deep within me, I know that my heart was at war.

I made a list of the things that are bothering me and the possible changes in my life.

I’ll write some of the most important ones because some are just random pestilence that doesn’t need to be on the list.

1. I don’t want to go to work anymore.

2. I want to finish the book I started two months ago.

3. I want to clear out my debt.

4. I want our savings to be more stable and financial goals to be realistic.

5. I want to start a new job or at least lessen my hours.

The above-mentioned have been in my head for the longest time. I don’t know if it was the night shift effect or what. I never had these problems before. It just began bothering me every day. I started reading books about motivation and how to retire early, etc. It didn’t help me. Whenever I feel something is bothering me, I always make a list of random thoughts. And that will allow me to check if I’m sane or if it was just my hormonal imbalance because my period’s due the next day.

After figuring out they were not seasonal issues, I started composing a counter-list.

1. Pray God for guidance.

2. Search online for new jobs.

3. Write one chapter or a few words every off or every day if you can. Set a target to finish the books.

4. Stick to your budget (I’m quite good at this) and go on overtime.

Again, work overtime to pay off your debt early. Tell yourself you can do it and finish your book so you can write another.

It was a feasible plan, to be honest. But planning and doing gets complicated when you’re at war with your heart and body. It doesn’t matter if a person’s list is undemanding if they’re conflicting with themselves. And I realised that it’s my number one dilemma.

For some reason, during the peak of my frustration, I received an email that my husband’s company is hiring one registered nurse for a Day Surgery Area. I was surprised and applied right away. To be honest, it didn’t feel okay. I finished my cover letter with a heavy heart and got sceptical if I should hit the submit button. Despite the rebellious thought, I click complete.

After that, I thought to myself — there, I did it. I took the first step.

When my husband applied for the RN position, they called him even though the job post was ongoing. I have a feeling that I didn’t get the job. I think they will choose a more suitable candidate than me, someone who works there already or an enrolled nurse. I didn’t know what to feel since I am clueless about what I wanted.

Then come July 6 2022. Our church holds a prayer and fasting meeting twice a year. I didn’t do the first one at the beginning of the year because I was lazy. I decided to do the mid-year maybe it will give me some answers to my questions.

That three days of prayer and fasting were the best three days of my life this year (too early to say, I know). I went to work motivated, feeling excited and more composed. Afterwards, I realised that applying to a different workplace is not the first step. It was listening to what God has for me and being sensitive to His plans. The first step was to pray for guidance. Be in peace with yourself and focus on what you want to do with your life. Never forget your purpose. I forgot what my purpose was.

God gave us a life to live, freedom to pursue our dreams and the body to work and the heart to be excellent in what we do.

He was waiting for me to pray that I may find my purpose again. He reminded me what the reason was why I wanted to be a nurse and what was motivating me before. Was it the world or material possessions? No, God and my family were my motivation. And I forgot all about that because I live far from them.

I think this is why people say choose your relationships over what the world offers. If you set your eyes on something, then walk the straight path. You may go astray, but never forget your way. Remember, all roads have paths we can follow, even if it’s in a remote area or somewhere off the map. It always give us hints on where to walk. If we lose our way, we can always come back and start over again.

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